Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

This year in 2011 we are commemorating the 30th anniversary of Peace Day.  The video below is a live stream of activities and thoughts about creating peace in the world that we live.

Joe Van Deuren

I was so happy to see this TED talk on smiling.  While some may question the power of the smile, from personal experience I know that when we reach a frustration level where we may act or react in a way that we really do not want to act, SMILING has the affect of reducing the frustration.

As a parent or teacher this is a valuable tool.  Just when your child or student has pushed one of your buttons, take a deep breath, smile and then respond.  This is much like counting to ten, or 3 deep breaths – but the addition of the smile, eliminates the possibility of being mean.  It is impossible to be mean, frown or act in an unkind way – while smiling.

We can practice this on ourselves also.  When we see our own anger rising, we can look at it, recognize it for what it is, smile at it and allow it to be.  If we smile at our anger, we will see it subside.  The power of the smile!

There are ten characteristics that create how one views the world and handles adversity.  Number two on the list that we will discuss today is when you are angry you are not able to analyze and think logically about the problem at hand.  Not thinking clearly comes in three different ways.

First it may show up by not wanting to talk about the problem or the situation.  The reason the angry child or adult does not want to have a discussion is that this would mean acknowledging the role they play in the situation.  Unwilling to admit to their weaknesses and being uncomfortable with answering questions they would prefer to stick to the blame game.  It is easier to blame the other person than talking about it and having to bear some of the responsibility.  As they use these avoidance tactics they continue the cycle and never have a chance to learn from their mistakes. In line with our earlier discussion of the 4 steps of anger it goes like this.  (a) the angry person cannot solve the problem so their failures and frustrations grow , buildup.  (b) the spark can be anything that leads the person to an explosion where they blame anyone or everyone around them.  (c) those that are blamed do not like to be around the angry person and so they are pushed away and the angry person feels a victory and justified. (d) if anyone tries to talk about the situation the attempts are rebuffed  (e) since there was no resolution the problem serves as the buildup for the next explosion.  We can help our children out of this cycle by helping them to see the rewards of discussing problems in a calm and upbeat manner.  Trying to do this though with a particular angry event will probably not work, but doing so using other examples will be the stepping stone to better conversations.

Second it may show up with weak thinking or circular thinking.  Have you ever found someone who is angry that could only remember in detail what the other person did but very little about how they contributed to the situation?  The reason is that they are focused on their defense and attack and are otherwise blind to everything else going on around them.  Even if they do remember they will magnify the details in a manner to support their own viewpoint. So when we hear the account from their point of view it does not even sound like we saw the same situation.  How do we solve this?  We must teach our children problem solving skills.  Here are three steps to take with your child or the angry person.  (a) gather all the facts  (b) show them another point of view  (c) and then help them to see how their actions had affect on their actions and or the solutions.  Problem solving skills need to be taught though on a daily basis with things that they are not intimately involved with.  Using movies or TV shows and asking them to anticipate what is going to happen next and then follow through with the results.  Or a board game that you can demonstrate how if you move here or there this will happen.  Some children have problems solving problems because their parents do too.  So work on it together and use the resources available to you including social workers and psychologists to learn problem solving skills and then you will be able to help your children too. 

Third it may show up due to confusing feelings with facts.  Emotions have a powerful influence on our thinking.  Have you ever noticed that if someone is in love the person they are in love with can do no wrong – but later the same person who could do no wrong can do nothing right if the original party is angry or upset with them.  This is the idea of confusing feelings with facts.  While this is tough enough for adults this is very difficult for children.  There is a difference though between feelings and thinking.  You may have a feeling based on a partial truth that could easily lead you to a wrong conclusion.  Children need to learn as do all of us that people can fiew the same situation in differnt ways and have different feelings about them and neither person be more right than the other person. Teaching our children about feelings and all the different ways we can feel and how they are different for every person is very important in overcoming this confusion of feelings and facts.

Setting a good example and showing our children how it works is the best way to learn to think things through and not react in strong angry ways.



This is a great video for youth or adults.  It will make you stop and think about why you are here on this earth.  I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.  It truly makes me smile.  I must give credit to Tom Callos for sharing it with all of his students too.  That was very kind.  It is important that when we learn something of value, when we are trying to practice something that we share it with each other.  Enjoy!

This time of the year we have many gatherings to go to and many of them involve family members and those close to us in other areas of our life.  Now I don’t know about you, but my guess is that you are much like me in that many of the occasions we go to, we do so with certain expectations.

We know ahead of time who is going to annoy us, who is going to brag, be outrageous or argue with us.  We think in our minds that we are going to do everything we can to stay away from certain subjects and sometimes people to try to keep the peace.  In fact the reason I am writing this is because from a ‘self-defense’ point of view, the things we do that harm us the most, come from our thoughts and mouth.

So what can we do to have peaceful gatherings?  For us to have the peace we are looking for we need to go to a place that may not seem to make sense at first.  If we are to change the relationships that we have, we must choose to be at peace with everyone in our life – and this time of the year especially with our relatives.

How can this possibly be true?  Because if the focus of our inner dialogue about our family members is on what they are doing wrong or how annoying they are, then that is exactly how your relationship is going to play out.  If what we notice about them is how annoying they are, then we are more likely to blame them for our annoyance.  But in reality the annoyance we are feeling is actually coming from our own thoughts.

In our mind we need to redirect our thinking to “My intention is to be authentic and peaceful with this person (relative)”, and that is the experience we will have.  I know this is true, I have seen it with myself and I am sure you have too.

Have you ever had a good relationship with someone and everything is going along very well and then they do something that hurts you really in a bad way?  What happens?  I have noticed that many times the very things that had been cute and appealing to me now begin to annoy me and they are very easily criticized.  We have all done this at some time. 

Our relationships are what we think they are.  I am going to talk about this more in the future, but for now just  know that,  No one is capable of making you upset without your consent.  When we decide to connect to peace, and bring peace to our relatives and relationships, we immediately gain the power to change the energy of the gathering that we attend in this season of thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

It was late in the evening and there in one of the parking spaces was shattered glass.  I have no idea where it came from.  The glass nearly filled the entire space.  One of our students came in to the studio and asked if we had a broom and a way to clean it up.  Once they had the tools it took about 20 minutes or so to get it all cleaned up.

What a great service to others.  How kind was it, not to ignore the problem – but rather to roll up your sleeves and solve the problem.  I am sure there are many of you in our audience that do similar acts.  Why not help us to quantify what our community does and record your special Act of Kindness in our Journal here.  We may choose your story to tell others about your experience.

This is an update on my trip to Alabama later this month. We have now been told what we will be doing this time in Alabama.

Project 1. The big project this year is the renovation of the Rosenwald school. I have linked to a site where there is more information about the historical significance of the school.
Project 2. The team will be building a home or an addition for a man who is blind.
Project 3. We will be working on creating a garden project for some in the community.
Project 4. There are 5 youth that 5 members fo the UBBT will establish a mentoring relationship with. They will work along side of the UBBT members, but will also take part in other activities to help build a relationship that can be maintained after we leave the town.
The community is hosting several dinners for the team and one of them is at the City Park where all of the town has been invited to come see a demonstration performed by the UBBT members. In addition during the week some members will be visiting local schools and making presentations.
In addition to this all of us will be doing some training in Diabetes education with Andy Mandell. More on him later, and we will also be training more in Anger Management Education.
When we have time for all of this. The last time I was there we were up and started our day at 5 AM and did not stop till very late in the evening, around 11 or so. This is a zero waste event for us also. All of us are required to bring mess kits, towels and water bottles, as there will be no plastic bottles, paper plates or towels or anything that needs to be thrown away – as much as possible. (toilet paper allowed)
When I return I will be happy to tell you about the event and the things learned there. This is a training program for those who are or who aspire to be, master teachers. What I learn there, I must bring back to our own community, to make the same kind of difference here that the 100 martial arts masters have made in Greensboro, Alabama.
If you would like to support the work in that town with a small donation, it would be happily accepted. My instructor has made it clear to us that only small donations by many individuals should be accepted. I hope that all of us together here at Balanced Life Skills and our AA County community will benefit from the experience I have at the end of this month.

Today I wrote a brief biography on a peacemaker, Mattie Stepanek.  I love his thoughts and poetry. In my web site ‘Learn Peace‘ he is listed with the likes of Ghandi, Thich Nhat Hahn, and others.  His simple wisdom allows us to pause and consider if we too can be a ‘peacemaker’.

I have never done origami before and so our event on November 15 when we will do an act of peace and create the peace cranes is brand new to me.  in this post I will tell you that I started practicing this art just two nights ago and after about my 4th crane, they were starting to look like cranes and not to bad, though I still needed some assistance on the head and opening the wings.
Later this morning I will put a photo up of my best one so far, but I also encourage you to start creating some on your own.  Here is a link on how to create a crane.  If you need paper ask me and I will give you some or you can stop by Michael’s and get some paper to practice with.  More on the significance of the peace crane in a post later this week.

Create Peace Cranes

In my study of peace there is a young man that has stood out in his ability to put into words very simply, life lessons that takes many of us years to understand.  His name is Mattie Stepanek.  Now while he is no longer here with us today, his words and spirit is still having an affect on all who read his poetry.  In a new piece of work that I am using to learn peace, Mattie is noted as a peacemaker.
Next week I will be posting about his life.  In the mean time enjoy this poem he wrote that I believe describes how I am trying to live my life.  To see this new site please go to the Learn Peace website.

Facing the Future

Every journey begins
With but a small step.
And every day is a chance
For a new, small step
In the right direction.
Just follow your Heartsong.
by Mattie Stepanek
From the book HOPE THROUGH HEARTSONGS