Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

Today we experienced an earthquake here in Anne Arundel County and this weekend it might be a hurricane.  While the earthquake was not centered here, it was still strong enough that for many we were a bit scared, a especially for those of us who had never experienced one before.  I thought it was ironic that I was having a meeting with a person from California – who was not phased by it at all.

But this is about our children who have in the past few months heard of disastrous earthquakes in Japan and Haiti, with all of the after effects, and who have no doubt heard of the unrest in the Middle East and will also now be reminded, by the media, about the happenings of 9/11 as well as hearing about the hurricane coming.  Many of these children will feel stressed and anxious by all of these reports as they try to figure out how they will be affected and asking themselves what if it happens to me questions.  The question we must deal with as parents is what and how to deal with these sorts of circumstances.  Sticking with our normal routines as best that we can and being careful of our own reactions, shock / fear / anger as our children will reflect the parents feelings and attitude and exagerate it while they apply it to themselves.
As parents and teachers we also do not want to ignore what is happening, especially of school aged children, because even if you do not bring it up, they will hear about it at school.  If the children are frightened by the images they see or stories they hear, we do not want them to keep those feelings bottled up inside.  On the other hand though we want to answer the questions they ask, appropriately for their age, without going further than what they are concerned about at the time.  If the subject is not coming up from them, we may choose to bring it up and ask them what they have heard or believe is happening.  Depending on the age and personality of the child, we can emphasize the work being done by others to help the victims of natural disaster and focus on what we might be able to do to assist others.  This can become a great teaching moment,  in empathy,  global responsibility and  service to others.

Sometimes too children can confuse the happenings in a movie with reality and begin to fantasize about the results of a disaster.  Limiting the amount of television is always a good idea and watching and talking with them are two good ways of being sure you are there for them in the case that they do become anxious about these disasters.  Explaining to them about the progress science has made in modern times and allowing them to be a part of the solution by supporting world relief organizations is good for them too.  Reassuring them that you as their parent or guardian will be there to protect them and care for them is important for any child, but especially children who may be particularly susceptible to experiencing worry, anxiety and stress.

For more information about talking to your child about the anniversary of 9/11 I found this article quite informative and I would like to share it with you.

Talking to Your Child About 9/11: What Do You Need to Know?

Dr. Robyn Silverman is Balanced Life Skills child development expert who provides us with guidance on building character in children of all ages.  Up to a couple of years ago her and her husband had no children of their own, so as a father of 4 myself, I knew that when they had their own children — well it just brings a new perspective.  I really enjoyed her musings in this article she wrote today.  I hope you enjoy it also.

Confessions from a Child Development Expert

All parents appreciate having that third voice that supports all that we do as parents.  Balanced Life Skills offers not just the physical part of the martial arts, but also character and confidence development to all of our students.  We invite you to try our classes and to follow what we are doing here on our website.

Watching your son or daughter trying to accomplish a task that brings with it a reward that they want very badly is very hard for a parent.  In our school as a child is demonstrating their jumping rope, performing a form or some other skill, many parents have told me they have sat on the side holding their breath, hoping for success.  For all parents though just this one thought:

Success does not mean avoiding failure.

In fact, with the right attitude, failure is neither fatal or final.  It can be the springboard to success.

All of us fail.  The only way we will not fail is if we do not try anything.  The question is how will we fail?  How will we view mistakes?  If we are to be a success we must learn to fail in the forward direction.  In other words our mistakes must not get inside our head and stop us from giving it another try.

When we are teaching our children about success -  we can also teach them about the power of failure.  Learning from their mistakes, thinking about how to improve ourselves and the situation, focusing on the rewards of success will keep our children and ourselves from becoming negative in our attitude and mind.  Failure can be a great learning experience, an opportunity for growth and character building experience.

We all know the importance of trust and integrity in our relationships.  There is no place where that is more important than in the relationship that we have with our family members and especially our children.   Warren Bennis  said in his book that integrity “is the one quality that cannot be acquired but must be earned.”

It is as Stephen Covey talks about, like a bank account.  We build it a little at a time by what we say and do.  We can make withdrawals too, by not living up to our word or doing what we say we are going to do.  Interestingly though, like in a construction project, it is easier to tear something down than it is to build it up.   In regard to our children, they come into the world trusting us to the fullest.  They depend on us for everything.   So we want to do everything possible to maintain that trust and belief in our integrity.

How do we maintain and build that relationship?  By saying what we mean and mean what you say - everyday.  Our position of leader of the family is based on our ability to be consistent with our word.   By not threatening an act you have no intention of following through on, by following through on every rule you have set and agreed to with your family, will allow you to grow the respect for each other in the family and set an example that others are willing to follow.

If you are the leader of a team you probably already know that there are 3 things that have a positive affect on those you are leading.  First if you give them attention,  affirmation and appreciation.  Doing those three things will result in your team responding in a positive manner.

The same is true with our children.  They need our attention and not just when they have done something that is against our rules.  They need for us to give them some undivided attention, showing them their value to us.  Then they need affirmation.  This step of affirming their worth and value, affirming what they are doing that meets the values of our family and catching them doing the right thing is so important to building their confidence.  Finally they need to know they are appreciated.  Appreciation is something that all of us like to feel from those that we love.  This appreciation or gratitude for being who we are and for being a part of this family will also go a long way in building the esteem of our children.

So there we have it.  If we want our children to respond positively to our love and discipline give them our attention, affirmation, and appreciation and they will do so.

While I have not been able to confirm this factoid, sociologist say that every person will influence 10,000 other people in their lifetime.  What that means to me is that there are quite a few people watching us and at any given time will be swayed one way or another by our words or actions.

Here is what I know to be true:  Parents / Leaders influence their children.  That is such a huge responsibility.  Everything we say and more important every action we take is being recorded on the minds and hearts of not only our own children, but of every child that comes in contact with us.

In class the other day one of the students kept repeating this phrase, “what the…?”  No they did not complete the sentence but I was waiting to hear what the next word was going to be.  It is a funny thing about our children and us as parents.  Not unusually, the very things that get to us, the habits that our children have or little ways of doing things that irritate us are generally speaking, habits that either we or our mate have demonstrated that we do not like about ourselves.

If we have a personality flaw that we would like to change about ourselves, and we see it in our child, that is the one that we will many times be the most upset about with our child.  Because we have such a large influence on our children,  working on ourselves and willingly open about that work, our children will be influenced also in creating a better habits.

Have you noticed too, the influence that older children have on younger ones.  I like to use this in speaking to the older child about their responsibility to influence, set a good example for and be a leader to their younger brother and sister.  For some children this is a great motivator for them.  They like the idea of being that leader, so without abusing that possibility, we can call on that from them to reinforce the idea of our team / our family.

Throughout history in the business world we have seen some great partnerships.  Many times one partner was the visionary and the other one was the nuts and bolts person / investor – who knew how to get things done and make things happen.  Nonetheless as you look at this list we can be sure of one thing – together they had a vision that they agreed on and they could all see exactly what they wanted to accomplish.

• Thomas Edison & J.P. Morgan & Vanderbilts  (commercial power companies)
• Wright Brothers (air plane)
• Sam, Jack, Albert, and Harry Warner (Warner Bro. entertainment)
• Coco Chanel and Pierre Wertheimer (Perfume and more)
• Bill Hewlett and David Packard  (computers)
• Richard and Maurice McDonald (McDonalds)
• Bill Gates and Paul Allen  (Microsoft)
• Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak  (Apple computers)
• Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield  (ice cream)
• Amnon Amir, Sefi Vigiser, Arik Vardi, Yair Goldfinger, and Yossi Vardi (instant messaging)
• Larry Page and Sergey Brin (Google)

What a list of history making visionaries and accomplishments!   As parents we Read the rest of this entry →

Tony Robbins once spoke about why some individuals do not have continued success once they gain a measure of success.  It was likened to a thermostat that allows the heater to work, but when it reaches a pre-destined level,  then it shuts off.   Why is it,  that some find themselves unable to sustain, and in fact sometimes fall apart completely?  It can be fear of success, or it may be as Dr. Steven Berglas  suggests, a lack of bedrock character.

I have found it interesting as a parent / leader that the very beginning of parenting many times makes us feel so successful.  We get the compliments of many who tell us what a great job we are doing and how great our children are.  Then as one psychologist said, “Every parent must morn the death of their perfect child.”  One day we are shocked by something they do or say and we wonder where did that come from?  No matter what, it happens to all of us, some sooner – some later.

One thing is for sure though, having great character as a leader / parent is important.  All of us must continue to examine our personal character, matching our words and actions, as this is the most important asset that we have in business or family.  If we say we are going to do something – do we complete it?  Are we there for our children in their moments of glory and disappointments?

Children, our own children know us better than virtually anyone else.  They know the real us,  even if we think that we are doing a good job of putting up a great face. Without a word being spoken, I have seen them recognize when dad has lost his job, or parents are not getting along well.  They feel the emotions, they know the character and we as parents cannot disguise who we really are as leaders.  Even more important they are learning as they watch us and developing their own character, many times copying their parent / leaders actions – not their words.  As a parent leader our character is our most important asset.

Reinforcing character building in our children is one benefit of the martial arts at Balanced Life Skills.  In the month of February we will be discussing FAIRNESS with our students.

Have you ever seen the parent that brags about their child and pushes them so hard to be the best at their school or group that you sometimes wonder if the parent is living out their fantasy through the child?   Many times the child does what is expected of them but deep down inside is not really interested in this pursuit at the same level that the parent is pushing so hard for.

Being a great leader or parent is not about making yourself look good.  It is about empowering your children to make good choices and to choose and follow their own dreams and goals.  Yes we want our children to do well and yes we are very proud of them when they do have accomplishments.  But those accomplishments are not ours as a parent -  but rather should be the result of our willingness to believe in them and give them the opportunities to grow.

As a parent we should be setting the example in continued growth, goal setting and improving ourselves in our own interests.  We should be willing to make the sacrifices required for our children to be their best at whatever their goals are, helping them to recognize the results and consequences that their choices mean.  In business your willingness to empower others because you believe in them will make you larger.  In your family empowering your teammates will bring you a great amount of joy and happiness as each member becomes their best in what they want to pursue.

I personally believe your most important team you will ever be on is your family.  I talk about this with our students from day one of their training in the martial arts.  As in the world of sports or business, the teammate that values others and does things that makes others on the team better is extremely valuable to team.  So how does this apply to the family?

1.  Great leaders / parents  believe in their teammates.  That means each spouse trusts and believes in the other and that both of them set expectations for their children, not based on what they have seen in the past, or on what others might think, but rather on the values, ethics and morals of their own family.   Children will only perform to the expectation of the ones that they respect.

2.  Great leaders / parents  are willing to listen to and support what their spouse and children are interested in.  This support demonstrates to others that their interest are valuable, and when someone see their value to others they are more willing to stay connected to them.   The ability and willingness to listen even to our children, sets a great example for them.

3.  Great leaders / parents, once they find the uniqueness and gifts of their spouses and children, are then willing to look for ways to help them increase those abilities.  This is a way of adding value to your teammate and in the long run will improve not only their abilities, but also their attitude.

4.  Great leaders / parents work to improve themselves, as this benefits everyone on the team and it helps you help others even more.  If you want your family members, business partners, teammate of any kind to improve, making yourself better is one of the first steps.  On so many levels others will see you and your actions as a way of stepping up themselves as you set the example.

So how does your family view you?  Do each of them see you as one that values them and their interests?  Do they see you as a supporter and helper?  Do you know what each member of your family interests really are and can you find a way to help them improve in that interest?  Doing so will empower others to be successful and you to be seen as a great leader.