Balanced Life Skills Martial Arts

This really brings us back to the beginning when we first started talking about this subject of stress.  Stress is the direct result of feeling like there is too much to do, relationship issues, deadlines to meet and feeling like we have lost control of our selves, our lives and sometimes even our feelings.  In the martial arts what we teach students is a Black Belt Success Cycle.

The Black Belt Success Cycle goes like this:
Know what you want
Have a plan and a success coach
Take consistent action
Review your progress and renew your goals

Here is how this relates to reducing stress.

1.  First you must know what you want / or what the problem is.  Can you identify what you feel is wrong.  When, Why and Where is it happening?  What would you like to see happen that would make your life better?  What is your goal? 

2.  Brainstorm some ideas of how to reach your goal.  They do not have to make sense to you right now and you do not have to think of the perfect plan now.  Come up with many different ways that you believe you could solve the problem.  If you cannot think of any, talk to your supporters for their ideas and then get them written down.  Now it is time to select a solution.  You may want to have a ‘success coach’ as you weigh your different options and to help you stay on track.  Pick one that you believe will help you reach your goal and that you are comfortable with.

3.  Commit to working your plan and take consistent action. Persevere and do not give up.  If you have a ‘success coach’ they can help guide you and keep you on the path you have chosen.

4.  Review your progress. Is what you are trying working or not working?  Do you need to tweak a part of it or try something new altogether?  Has something changed for you, are the circumstances or end results the same as when you started on this path?  Regularly checking in and then renewing and sometimes revising your goals will keep you feeling like you are in control of your life and the decisions being made that effect you.

Making decisions and choices about your life is a key part of reducing stress.  In our next series of article we will discuss how to make the best decisions possible so that you stay on the path that will make you feel the best and result in the success you want out of your life.

Sometimes life comes at us so fast and hard that we feel like we are in a fight, a fight for our lives.  When it seems that nothing is going our way, when everyone is picking on us, when nothing is going right – that is when we become the most stressed out.  We start using words like – never, all the time, everyone, nothing – words that are negative about ourselves and our situation that make it sound like the answer is simply not there.

Stop and think for a moment about how you would respond to this if your best friend was feeling like this and they said mean, horrible things about themselves, that they had started believing about themselves.  What would you say or do? Wouldn’t you tell them “No, stop talking like that.  You have a lot going good for you.”  Wouldn’t you list for them the good things about them and what you like about them?

Long before you feel bad about yourself Read the rest of this entry →

When you are younger most of your decisions are made for you by others.  As you get older, you are making more of your own decisions, and along with that privilege come the responsibility for the consequences for each of those decisions.  Life is all about choices, and we all learn that it is about every choice that we make. 

If we choose to eat poorly it will affect us both short term and long term.  Choosing who we will be our friends, what parties we will go to, what and how hard we study in school, and will we say yes or no when faced with smoking, drugs, and personal relationships.

One thing I have learned about decision making is that when we are faced with making a decision very quickly, without time to think about it, our thought process may not always be in line with what our goals are.  Other factors like peer pressure and our emotions may sway us to do things we may later wish we had not done. Thinking ahead and deciding what we will do if put in a certain situation will help us make better decisions when faced with other pressures.

Deciding if our choice or decision is good or bad can easily be summed up in this question, Is it the right thing to do?  We will know or have that feeling in our gut if others will be put in danger, disrespected or hurt physically or emotionally.  We know if we are breaking laws, lying, or making things worse for our friends or parents.  We can examine ourselves to see how we will feel when the decision is carried out and if we will be letting others down including our parents and ourselves.  All of this takes time and needs to be thought about ahead of time.

In business, the process for making quick decisions goes like this:

1. What is the core issue
2. What are the facts that will effect this decision
3. Step back! Do I have to make this an immediate choice?
4. Visualize the outcome.  What are the consequences?
5. Follow through with the decision and carrying it out.

 

In our personal life in those moments when a quick decision needs to be made, these are good questions too.  Making good choices will certainly reduce the stress in our life, and the bad consequences that we will have to deal with, if our choice is not the best for us.  Finally, if you make a bad choice, deal with the consequences and learn from it.  It is not the end of the world, and if we continue to beat ourselves up over a bad decision, our stress levels will continue to rise.

I would like to start this article off with a copy of a post done by a young lady that wrote about being a perfectionist and the affect on her life.  Now before you read this, be assured this is not out of the norm.  This past year I was a part of a forum on stress at a local high school, and just the idea suggested by the panel that it was OK to be less than perfect in all aspects of your life, and that you would still get into a good college, was met with an uproar that was just as if we suggested that the students Facebook accounts should be discontinued forever.

 

Here is the link to the transcript of  Inside the Mind of a Teenage Perfectionist

The results of demanding perfection of yourself in your academic, sports, social, societal life is damaging to the mind, body and spirit.  These affects may have life-long consequences.  Here is some of what we see when we demand perfection:

Low self-esteem, Depression, Anxiety (performance, test, social),  Health problems (ulcers, migraines, etc), Strained relationships, Loneliness, Frustration, Anger, Eating Disorders and Body Image Issues, Worry, Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors, Substance Abuse

Trying to be perfect is exhausting.  It is a challenge that will never be, well ‘perfected’.   In the words of John Wooden,  “Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”  (In case you are not aware of Mr. Wooden, his college basketball team won 7 straight national championships and national championships in 10 out of 12 years with this philosophy.)

How is it that other people seem to fit so much into their day, while I struggle with getting the necessary things done?  I make a list of all of the things I have to do – but it never seems that I get anything done on it, or not nearly enough!  I have too much to do! 

We all know the feeling of “having too much to do”.  Sometimes it is because we have over-scheduled ourselves or because we have procrastinated on a project and now it is just overwhelming and stressful.  Finding the time to do everything is really about sitting down and deciding what needs to be done and what are the most important items on this list.

Many use a ‘to do’ list to help them organize themselves.  Once we have that to-do list though we need to take some additional steps that will help to reduce our stress. Read the rest of this entry →

Stephen Covey calls it, “Begin With The End In Mind”.   We are going to call it, Know and Like Where You Are Headed.  One of the largest contributors to confidence and feeling good about yourself,  is feeling like you are in control of your destiny.  Much of the anger and stress felt by both teens and adults is the lack of direction and commitment to an end result.  Unfortunately we get so busy with the day to day that we can forget to take a few moments on a regular basis to think about where we are headed.  So we we may be going full steam – but on a path that is not ultimately where we really wanted to be. That results in STRESS! 

You will want to ask yourself some questions so you can establish what it is that you truly want to work towards.  Take your time with this, and don’t be surprised that when you review your goals as time goes on, that you refine them.

 

• What is it that you really love doing?
• What makes you get up in the morning, excited and ready to get the day started?
• Who are your heroes in life and what is their influence on you?
• If you could do anything in the world, with money not being an object, what would it be?
• What steps will I need to take to get there?  What can I do right now?

 

Goal setting and creating a step by step plan to reach your goals is a huge subject that you can investigate and we will write about in the future, but just know that research has shown that those who define their goals are more successful than those who just dream.  In fact one study done with Harvard graduates showed that those that wrote their goals down were 3 times better off than those who did not.

 

This process is not just for the career paths and big decisions.  Even the smaller everyday stuff that needs to get done can be set out as short term goals and will help you get the important things done – reducing stress in your life.  One more thought on this process, do not forget to be willing to ask for help or to get a coach or mentor to help you sort through your thoughts.  We do not have to do this by ourselves.  If we need some unbiased help, ask someone who is already doing what you think you would like to be able to do for guidance on how they got there.

Have you ever felt a little down on yourself and really not sure who you can talk to?  Or maybe you have the feeling that this is a problem you should be able to handle on your own.  Sometimes we are not even really sure that there is anyone that would really understand.  When we are feeling like that – we may get very anxious and stressed out about what to do. 

Our support system, safety net, those around us that are there for us no matter what is an important part of being able to handle those stressful moments in our life.  However they do not just show up when we need them, we must develop them long before we need to rely on them for support.  Stephen Covey and his son Sean who wrote the books on habits of successful people and teens, both talk about building relationships.  Building relationships is our safety net.  It is those people that will be there for us when times are tough.  Here are a couple of simple points about building that support system:

 

1. Spend time together – your experiences will bring you closer
2.   Be honest / being trustworthy raises the quality of your friendships
3.   Be loyal / take an interest in things that are important to others
4.   Be a good listener / Don’t be bossy or pressure others
5.   Be willing to apologize and not always the center of all attention
6.   Be clear about your expectations and offer to be there for others

 

Identify those in your life that you feel like you would count on and be willing to talk to them honestly.  If you are not sure who they might be, or you do not believe you have someone in your life that fits that description, pick one important relationship in your life and work on building it into one that you are confident you can rely on.   If we have damaged those relationships in the past, it may take some time to rebuild them, but little by little we can do so.